Posts

November 10th, World Neuroendocrine Cancer Day

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Today is World Neuroendocrine Cancer Day. This cancer hides. It whispers. It waits. It doesn’t make itself obvious, or loud, or easy to find; it just changes everything before you even know it’s there. Most people don’t know what neuroendocrine cancer is. I didn’t either. It’s not the kind of cancer that gets headlines or fills shop windows with ribbons. Ours is the zebra ribbon. A reminder that when you hear hoofbeats, it isn’t always a horse. Sometimes it’s something rarer. Harder to spot. But just as real. I was lucky. Mine was found early. But too many people aren’t as lucky. For them, the diagnosis comes late, after years of “it’s probably nothing,” after pain dismissed, symptoms explained away, hope chipped down to fragments. And this week, people will lose their lives to it. This last week, someone who has been so unbelievably kind to me about my own diagnosis lost the love of her life to it. That’s what this cancer does. It takes. Slowly, silently, cruelly. So today, I’m thinki...
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The one where I might admit I was wrong...

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TL;DR at the end. However, I actually admit I can be wrong in the following, so you know, it’s a once-in-a-lifetime event. You’re probably better off reading the whole thing, because you’ll never see me admit it again. If you're me, when one friend tells you that you’re overdoing it, you ignore them. When two tell you, you roll your eyes. When three, from three different friend groups, all tell you the same thing? Well, I sigh and continue ignoring them. As you can probably tell, over the last week or so three different people from different friendship circles have accused me of trying to run before I could walk, have said that they have noticed that I'm more tired than I should be, that they are worried I'm not giving my body a chance to heal. And as you can probably tell, I've ignored them... Then, this morning, I couldn't find my hair scrunchie. It had been on my wrist, but now it was nowhere. Not on the floor. Not on my wrist. Not on my bed. I even checked under...
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The last month aka the day before Tumour Eviction Day!

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800 calories a day. That’s been my life for the last month. Sometimes a little over, sometimes a little under. Always... Well awful. But this isn’t a fad diet. It’s to shrink my liver so the surgeon can actually get in there without needing a sat nav. The bonus? I’ve lost so much weight my hips have relocated. I go to put my hands on them and just miss. Flyfour says my butt has vanished. Lisa thinks if I turn sideways, I’ll disappear. The lads in the warehouse keep pointing out my trousers are now “emergency parachute” size. The real victory has been getting creative with the tiny meals I’m allowed. Two tablespoons of rice, an egg, and veg became “Egg Fried Rice” without the frying. Ten pieces of pasta became a pasta salad so carefully curated it could be in the Tate. I’ve put Hull Chip Spice on so much that it now counts as a food group. Friends see my meals and say, “That’s so small!” which is weird, because sometimes I can’t finish them. And through it all, I’ve kept moving. Walking...
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A Picture is worth a thousand words aka The last 7 months

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I promise I own more than one purple shirt, but if you were to judge my wardrobe based solely on these photos, you’d be forgiven for thinking otherwise. These are snapshots taken on or around the same day each month. Glimpses into my life. My gym selfies have always been a way to show progress. Determination. Today, when I looked back over the last seven months, I saw a story unfolding.        In December, I was told there was a lesion in my Liver. Tests, scans, a biopsy, more tests & scans... Then in May, I was told I had cancer. Since December, I’ve been trying to hold myself together while being scared, angry, sad, hopeful, happy & everything in between. The diet I’m on is brutal, but oh so essential. It’s not just about the 800 calories. It's not even just about the cancer. Or what was taken from me. It’s what came with it. I’ve lost weight, yes. I’ve also lost certainty. Sleep. Appetite. I’ve lost the ability to plan anything beyond the middle of August....
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Cancer isn't stopping me from working out!

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Today was a Very Special Fitness Tribe Day for me because… drum roll… I went back to the gym! WHOOP WHOOP! Yes, the gym. After everything. Me. There. In my lycra. Doing the thing I've really missed the most. Laura (legendary owner/trainer/boss lady) clocked me walking in and her immediate reaction was: “NO. NO. NO!” Tops and I were straight in with the explanations:
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A Confession. The first trio of operations, my discharge from the hospital and my very sexy compression stockings

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Okay, a confession. Oh, wait! I’m a storyteller. You *want* this story. I know it and you know it. There is a TL;DR at the end for all you monsters who hate storytelling. Right, confession time. All the previous updates about my cancer have been, well, a few weeks later than when I got the news. This wasn’t because I don’t love you all, or trust you, but because my family and I need the time to process before we share with you. We decided right at the start that we’d tell this story. The weird, rare, messy reality because if even one person ever goes through this and remembers me waffling on, maybe they won’t feel so alone. And because, let’s face it, I collect your support, your thoughts, your prayers, and your memes like all the surfaces in my house collect dust. However! Now, it is time to bring you right up to date and provide real-time updates from now on. How real-time? I was discharged from the hospital on Friday.
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Why haven't you updated us?!

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TL;DR at the end — but trust me, you’ll want the full saga. As I’ve been told, I tell a good story. Erin grabbed me at HIIT this morning and went, “Hey… I keep meaning to grab you to check how you are and how everything’s going.” (I'm paraphrasing!) Which is fair, because I haven't given you an update in a while, and you’ve all been letting me post gym selfies and memes and use rather dark humour to get you to sponsor me to run a couple of 5K's and all as if I haven’t got a whole tumour situation going on. So, here’s what I haven't told you.
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