The Moon and Tree out my Window - Wordless Wednesday

I had to take this picture because it was so lovely. I don't think that it has come out as great as it looked, but I can see it.

Celebration or Sadness?

Today is the anniversary of my Gran's death. It is also Top Ender's birthday. I know I have talked about this before but I feel that it was just so unfair for Top Ender's day to always be shadowed by the death of a beloved relative.

I told Top Ender that my Gran chose this day so that she would always be linked to her. That she wouldn't of wanted us to be sad, but to be glad for her life, for the love that she had shared and that of course now she is with her own parents and husband in heaven and that is why she died after Top Ender had gone to bed and her birthday was "over".

I can't help but feel that is a load of crap though.

If my Gran wasn't dead I could kill her for dying today. I mean I know it wasn't her choice, I know that her body just gave up and I understand that I do. It's just wrong and unfair.

Someone made a comment about a year after her death on a blog post of mine about how I hadn't stopped talking about her in the year since she had died. It made me upset, I didn't want to be filling AMR with mentions of death because I didn't want my children to look back and think that is all I was talking about but it was a HUGE event in my life. I wish now I had handled it better and told the person who left the comment to shut up but it's too late for that now.

So today after Top Ender has gone to bed and enjoyed her Eighth birthday I'm going to go to bed and have a cry in to my pillow about a wonderful woman who left us behind on a special day.

I'm Not The Only One Who Can Hear The Voices In My Head

It's Top Ender's birthday tomorrow and the first day back at school. I had planned to make her a great lunch for her Birthday so that she could celebrate in style all day, but over Christmas I kind of forgot to buy the supplies that I was going to need to create this fantastic lunch. I checked with Top Ender what it was that she wanted for lunch the next day, she came up with a couple of options which I knew I could get what I was lacking from the two local shops.

As I was walking along to the shop from the car, I realised it was quite cold and was thinking about how it seemed colder today than in recent days. It was only as I walked into the shop that I realised that I wasn't *thinking* this I was actually saying this out loud.

Oh the embarrassment.

"Stupid Girl" I called myself in the manner of Captain Mainwaring (Yes, that is how you spell it. I know these things, trust me.) "If you are going to talk to yourself at least do it in your head so nobody thinks you are crazy!" I realised again then that I had said this out loud.

Oh the shame.

I quickly made my purchases and left the store before anyone could get too good a look at me. I might have caused myself to be known as the crazy lady in the local shop, but at least I made a pretty cupcake for Top Enders packed lunch tomorrow...